Woodland Hills

2005-04-06T09:26:00.000-07:00

Way Down YonderWhat follows is an email I blasted off to my Chicago buddy Tom today. If this strikes you as a lazy way to blog, then I must remind you that correspondence has historically done quite well in published format. From George Washington to Indira Gandhi to William Faulkner, letters have... Aw fuck it. I'm just tired. You got me...Okay, so I told you I was headed out to play with some

2005-04-04T18:57:00.000-07:00

There, I Said ItThe online world poses too many dangers for an obsessive compulsive like me. Luckily, I know all too well my limitations.Yep, that was me two months ago, talking about poker. It's loaded with resolve, isn't it? Two years at playing Texas Hold 'Em and I'd abandoned all thoughts of playing for money over the Internet. I'd convinced myself that it robbed the game of its social aspect

2005-03-10T08:37:00.001-08:00

The Torture Never Stops I wasn't very good at finding bait. For two hours, I'd been rotating the helm with my bare foot, watching the bottom finder for "big yellow and green splotches." That's what my dad told me to look out for. No, not my dad, dad, in a paternity sense. The one I found out was my adopted dad when my mom drunkenly blurted out over a

2005-02-20T09:00:00.000-08:00

LeveledI opened up my mail this morning and read the following headline on an investment newsletter sent to me through my Vanguard account: "If you saw a train coming, would you get off the tracks?" Thanks Vanguard, a day late and a dollar short, as usual. Make that $100. Last night was the monthly/semimonthly hold em tournament. In my two previous appearances,

2005-02-10T10:53:00.000-08:00

Where I've Been I've been dedicating so much of my life these days to a side pursuit, and to the detriment of this endeavor, that I reckon it's come time to merge the two. I'm talking about my poker life, which is slowly taking over my non-work life. Starting in late 2003, a neighbor of mine started a regular game at a house he'd fixed up about 10 minutes away from us. Since then, we've

2005-01-31T08:43:00.000-08:00

Abu Ghraib? People, Pulleeze... Another great idea: French President Jacques Chirac, via telephone, has offered Bush help with training the Iraqi police force following the election. If Bush has seen "The Battle of Algiers," he'll be sure to take him up on it. The French paratroopers showed deft execution in murdering children and torturing prisoners in the '60's, and there have been plenty of

2005-01-31T06:48:00.000-08:00

Desperately Seeking Freedom Soap So, the Iraqis who have voted are sporting purple stains on their fingers. Somewhere, I see a bucket full of purple fingers. Maybe not such a good idea. And, if you're going to go along with the defiance thing, make it the middle finger for Allah's sake! Second wonderment: Would it be inconceivable for the U.S. military to have embedded technology in the purple

2004-09-03T17:53:00.000-07:00

Rock Bottom I was in Richmond when I wrote this. Before arriving, someone asked me if I thought it might be tough to get to my hotel because it was downtown and that's where the flooding was. Flooding? I hadn't even heard of it. I checked the local paper's website. It was a catastrophe and I'd completely missed it. With all of the focus on Hurricane Charley in my neck of the woods down

2004-08-30T19:40:00.000-07:00

Reentry A couple of weeks ago, I was being escorted around Universal Studios in Orlando for a piece that I'm working on when it dawned on me: soon this would be my domain again. I think it was when I turned 30 that I started to feel awkward about entering family amusement venues alone. Little warning sirens would pitch upon crossing the threshold of an

2004-07-14T10:45:00.000-07:00

Bag It I remember them being more of a menace, the cicadas. Last month, the family headed up to Virginia to celebrate my wife's dad's 70th, and I had been warned by my sister to expect the worst. I'd heard the pieces on NPR, audio technicians amplifying the drone the insects were creating, and it brought back some pretty horrible memories. I had a mind to special order some exoskeletons to

2004-05-06T07:40:00.000-07:00

Where in the World is Frank Russo? My sister's wedding is coming up. I was on a flight a few months back when I had this epiphany about the perfect gift for her to celebrate the occasion. It involved one Frank Russo, at least it would have had I been able to find him. When my sister and I were growing up (she's nearly two years younger), my mother kind of dragged us through the wringer of what

2004-04-02T09:36:00.000-08:00

Back from Travel I'm back from an extended period of business travel and looking forward to getting back on the bully pulpit. Expect more soon, and my apologies to those of you who sadly have this page bookmarked... Meanwhile, a good friend of mine has finally ponied up the keystrokes necessary to start his own site: The Royal We Come back soon.

2004-03-04T09:31:00.000-08:00

They're Trying to Make Me Gay! From time to time, I'm going to post pieces written by people who have something more important to say than me (it will probably happen more often than I'd like to think). The following excerpt is an actual story that transpired this week on the steps of our golden-domed capitol, and involves a friend of mine, who aside from being an excellent human being,

2004-02-27T13:50:00.000-08:00

Forget That Redneck Stuff Ok, so where were we? Oh yeah, the rodeo. We get up to our seats in the nosebleeds, and it's a Mullet Mart. MexiMullets, Camaro Mullets, you name it. Behind us is an entire 30-person contingent from Brazil (they were waving a Brazilian flag, which most of the fans in our section probably concluded was a symbol for Al Qaeda). The Brazilians were there to root on

2004-02-11T11:34:00.000-08:00

It's Official – I'm a Redneck (Wannabe) Last weekend, I bought tickets to catch Kid Rock, Motley Crue, Slim Shady, Johnny Cash and the Moody Blues at the Georgia Dome. You don't believe me? http://www.pbrnow.com A friend of mine had phoned me a few days prior to tell me about the event, the Professional Bull Riders' Built Ford Tough Series. He's from Texas. Now, I'd never been to a rodeo

2004-02-02T07:30:00.000-08:00

Yardstick Drama Had it been a normal year of Super Bowl festivities, I probably would have missed it. At the last minute, Sam and I found out our neighbors were in the final hours of birth-watch and couldn't sit for us while we went to a friend's party to watch the game. So, it was a subdued Super Bowl for me, which meant I actually watched it. Well, kind of. Since I have EchoStar's version of

2004-01-31T06:45:00.000-08:00

The Pasadena Parties Paging through the news today, I caught the latest update on NASA's exploits on Mars. The second rover, Opportunity, apparently scooted off of its lander yesterday without a hitch. The development was met back at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory by, yep, you guessed it, an "eruption of cheers and hugging.'' That statement probably doesn't do justice to the tear-welling

2004-01-26T13:12:00.000-08:00

John Butz & the Red Citation - Part Two (see Part One below if this makes no sense to you) The red Citation story went way back, like two years even. See, there was this crazy mom who simply refused to stop at the cones. At first she'd pull up in front of the obstacles, ask to be let in, and then frown when the safety patrol on duty started with, "I'm sorry, but…" Acceleration always came next,

2004-01-23T13:06:00.000-08:00

If Looks Could Acquit So it seems the old adage ``looks aren't everything'' is holding up in the real world. This week, a Florida appeals court upheld a trial judge's decision that a police officer used his good looks to entrap a gay man into selling him drugs in an undercover operation. No word on what the cop was wearing during the time, but Judge Susan Lebow was obviously moved: "I make that

2004-01-21T18:13:00.000-08:00

John Butz & the Red Citation - Part One Tired. Oh, so tired. Turns out this child-raising business ain't a walk in the park. Liars. That said, let's see if we can't rekindle some of the magic after a long hiatus. I've been holding off on blogging about the war - even after reading a sign in the passenger window of a passing car late last year that read, ``War Is the Answer!'' - for fear of

2003-12-31T12:42:00.000-08:00

We're Back Sam and I returned to Georgia this past Sunday from a three-week hiatus in DC, so if you're one of the few and the cowed, you can expect the blog to pick up again real soon...

2003-12-05T13:34:00.000-08:00

The Lingerie Bowl Apparently, football fans didn't get enough skin during last year's Britney Spears half-time show or from the latest round of twins-laden beer commercials. This year, the spectacle to beat is surely going to be the Lingerie Bowl. That's right, buxom beauties wearing only undies, bras and eyeblack will play a seven-on-seven tackle football game between the second and third

2003-12-02T15:12:00.000-08:00

The Strokes Are It Some of you will notice that I added the Strokes' latest offering, Room on Fire, to the Wattage section on the right. It's not a typo. Yes, that's right, the much ballyhooed and overhyped, commercialized, loved-by-everyone kids from New York are FUCKING GREAT. Now, a word to Strokes-bashers: Stop your bitch ass whining. Don't send me any lamo emails. I already know how your

2003-11-25T10:13:00.000-08:00

The Scotch Forgive me. It's been 18 days since my last confession. Sam's mother arrived this week, in from Austraila, so we've been a wee tied up. A native of Scotland, she arrived with two bottles of duty-free Scotch. I'm not talking about Black Label, either. The good stuff, Laphroaig, the kind you can't drink with ice. It's, in her words, "glate." After all, everything tastes better with a

2003-11-07T09:09:00.000-08:00

Sociology So, I'm in Baton Rouge this week, the land of Cap'n Ken and a billboard at the airport for a BBQ restaurant that promises "Louisiana's Best Babybacks Ribs.'' Many, many backs. Mmmmmm. And, oh yeah, The Advocate (not the national gay newspaper). Last night, after my business was done and I mopped up the blood, I went against Cap'n Ken's wishes and drove on down to River Road to test

2003-10-31T10:33:00.000-08:00

Evolution If you've sat next to me on an airplane before, you wouldn't know it. I'm the kind of guy who pops his bags into an overhead compartment, issues a curt `How You Doin,' and then immediately buries himself in a book or a laptop movie or three or four vodka tonics. Suffice to say, I don't like talking to someone just because I have to sit next to them for an hour or two. If you don't like

2003-10-15T08:55:00.000-07:00

Please, God, Let Them Lose I could be the only American outside of Florida who's not rooting for the Cubs. I'm no rabid Marlins fan – are there any? – but I am a fan of a good story, and that's why Chicago must not advance to the World Series tonight. To be sure, the tale of the curse haunting the Cubs has been exhausted in the telling. There's the blown-out-of-proportion tale of the tavern

2003-10-14T09:54:00.000-07:00

Someone Go Get Deion A nomination for website of the year: I Hate Tim McCarver . Make sure and check out the message board. And if anyone can link me to a movie clip of Deion dumping ice water on this idiot, there's a slice of Grant Central pizza in it for ya on Ken.

2003-10-14T06:19:00.000-07:00

Romance Lives - and Teeters My wife once remarked that I seem to draw curious people to me. I'm not so sure it's that. Probably more the case that I just hear them out. Could be I'm the approachable kind. Like the time a few years back when I was wearing dark sunglasses and walking my German shepherd mix (the kids are fond of screaming "Police dog! Police dog!'' whenever I pass a certain section

2003-10-13T13:37:00.000-07:00

CORRECTION: The Gilbert Street Gang I was chatting with my neighbor, Domingo (wink, wink, jab, jab) this weekend and he corrected me on where his stolen car was found. Apparently, the six youths heretofore reported as picked up at a drive-thru were in reality pulled over for speeding. Yes, that's right, if you're scoring at home, they were speeding, in a stolen vehicle, and in possession of pot.

2003-10-13T12:26:00.000-07:00

Blacktop John For the amount of grief I gave city officials herein over the past couple of months, you figure the karma fairies would have had it out for me. I was bracing for such a righting of the scales when I looked out my window one day in August during my paternity leave and saw a city paving team stationed outside my house. A few weeks prior, they’d run by with one of their street machete

2003-10-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

Players' Wives It's good to know that there's still a place for love in the game of baseball. After Game Two in the Cubs series, a friend and I were hanging outside of the Braves clubhouse, waiting for their express permission to enter and harass the players (or just gawk, in my case), when an umarked door opened to our left. It was Marcus Giles, wearing just a towel, and leaning around the

2003-10-01T09:53:00.000-07:00

Fuck and the Finger Wow, the word "disappointing" just doesn't do enough justice to describe last night's effort by the Braves. Sure, Kerry Wood was top-notch, but many of the Braves hitters looked like they were playing cricket out there. You hate to think that a game boils down to one play, but last night, it did. Fick's mishandling of the potentially inning-ending double-play ball in the

2003-09-30T08:25:00.000-07:00

Ahh... October Since our neighborhood Braves booster is on leave, I take it upon myself to promise you in-depth baseball playoffs coverage from the Ted for what hopefully will be the next few weeks. Coming Thursday: an inside-the-locker-room report from Wednesday night's game. Don't ask how - just be. A taste of what may come: Two years ago, after the Cardinals handed the Braves an early exit

2003-09-29T12:25:00.000-07:00

The Gilbert Street Gang How is it possible that I'm scooping our resident Gilbert Street reporter on his own turf? Alas, this is the occasion for my return to postnatal blogging. We get a call from my good neighbor on Friday night, who asks, "Have you all seen my car?'' Domingo, we'll call him, was stopping by a friend's place on Gilbert Street – possibly the most pleasant strip in Ormewood

2003-09-18T13:31:00.000-07:00

2003-09-18T13:17:00.000-07:00

Daddidom I'm a daddy. Our daughter, Indiana Laura Edwards, was born on Aug. 14 after about 5 million hours of labor. I'm not sure I can do any justice to the events that took place on that day. Just suffice to say that it was pretty unreal. Best I can do to explain the feeling I had is to say that I'm not sure how Sam and I got along without her all these years. One minute, you're a completely

2003-08-28T20:53:00.000-07:00

Indiana Laura Edwards Most of you are probably wise to this already, but our little girl was born on Aug. 14. There will be a recounting of the events that took place on that fated day, to be sure. This will take place after I can rein in a few more hours of sleep, I promise. Also on the TKTK, the story of John the Blacktop Man. Until then, be good.

2003-08-08T08:38:00.000-07:00

Exponential Loyalty Another option just emerged in the shopper loyalty conundrum. I can't really explain it - you'll just have to see it for yourself (thanks, Lee!). While deviously brilliant, and sure to raise eyebrows at the bean-counting division at Safeway, this mechanism unfortunately doesn't solve the price discrimination issue at the Kroger on Moreland (see Aug. 6 entry). I started

2003-08-07T15:17:00.000-07:00

You Don't Know Me Man, these subject-related Google ads at the top of the page are cracking me up. So far, I've been shown where to go for advice on speeding tickets and now I'm being referred to some terrorism tools. Let's try something. Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex

2003-08-07T11:45:00.000-07:00

A Plant? You know the ages-old police detective ploy about planting lies in a newspaper to trap a killer? It showed up in Michael Mann's "Manhunter," the vastly superior original to last year's "Red Dragon." Well, I think a derivative may have cropped up in an AJC story this week on Andruw Jones. Wednesday, Thomas Stinson (no, not the bassist for the Replacements) quoted Braves trainer Jeff

2003-08-07T10:48:00.000-07:00

Opinion of the Day What could amount to the best piece on the terrorism futures idea resides in today's Los Angeles Times.

2003-08-06T12:35:00.000-07:00

The Price of Loyalty I'm conflicted. Two years ago, a Kroger opened up a block from my house and I was ecstatic. Previously, I had either driven 15 minutes one-way to a Publix on Ponce or taken my life in my hands by frequenting a Kroger further south on Moreland. This latter location had assumed a number of nommes de guerre, among them Ghetto Kroger or Scary Kroger or Krakow Kroger. Once I

2003-08-04T13:19:00.000-07:00

Dead Cops Traffic Court, The Second Installment So, it turns out a dead cop is going to play a part in this serial after all, just not the one that pulled me over. Yep, that's right. I was back in traffic court today to fight the speeding ticket I blogged about last month. (Scroll down if you're in the dark to the July 21 entry) The day started much like the last one. I woke up and

2003-08-01T12:54:00.000-07:00

Chart of the Day Man, somebody should tell those Koreans that their fucking break is over.

2003-08-01T12:10:00.000-07:00

A Market Bust I had a great idea for a hit espionage movie. A band of stockbrokers and analysts, down on their luck from the market's two-year bust, are out slumming at a lower East neighborhood bar when one of them comes up with an idea to get all their riches back (think ``Boiling Room'' verve), when one of them puts his mug down and asks: ``What if we could profit from death?'' The others

2003-07-26T10:47:00.000-07:00

The Light Blue Suit & The Yellow Dress Nearly a year ago, my then-girlfriend and I rented a Cadillac and hauled it up to Tennessee to tie the knot. We had reunited in person in May of last year, though we'd known each other much longer. We were very good friends in high school who seemed to be on our own plane, and even dated for a spell. So, when we showed up in our home state of Maryland the

2003-07-24T09:56:00.000-07:00

Vitamin Pushers I was reading the AJC this morning – the Metro section is my first stop, Law & Order section to be exact – where I hit upon a story about a sometime soft-porn actress who was arrested under charges that she was pulling tricks out of her basement. She apparently has a dancer’s pole mounted down there to entertain visitors. Yet, if that isn’t incriminating enough, check out the

2003-07-21T11:41:00.000-07:00

Black Cops, White Cops A little over a month ago, I was driving down Freedom Parkway, innocently chatting away with my wife when I noticed that a police officer was standing in my lane about 200 feet ahead. Since my wife was in the car, and she's eight months pregnant, I decided that pretending to turn the radio dial and running him over was not an option. Interestingly, similar ploys feigning

2003-07-10T07:51:00.000-07:00

When Bad Things Happen to Bad People That was originally going to be the theme of these ramblings until I realized that not enough justice was being meted out in the world. Its concoction came after a particularly rewarding week in which I'd witnessed a few examples of the redeeming power of karma. In the first instance, my wife and I were sitting in our truck, ambling along with traffic on

2003-07-04T21:49:00.000-07:00

Deserters Is it just me or does the allure of the 4th of July seem to rust with age? Seems like the older I get, the more I realize that it’s the 1st or 2nd of the seventh month and I’ve completely forgotten to plan anything. Sounds plain un-‘merican, don’t it? I make the half-hearted attempts to organize something or piggyback onto somebody else’s program. Could be I’ve seen one too many news

2003-06-27T12:16:00.000-07:00

The Poopsmith My wife and I were out walking the dogs this morning, when the inevitable happened and our German shepherd mix stopped to spread some mud love. Mojo, we call her (Muddy Waters, not Austin Powers), she has a habit of copping a squat only when there's an audience. During the 20-second charade, some three cars rolled past, and my wife and I pretended to stare at cracks in the sidewalk

2003-06-26T08:21:00.000-07:00

The RIAA This morning I heard on NPR that the Recording Industry Association of America is initiating a new campaign to ferret out the hordes of unconscionable heathens who share music files over their computers to bring a little music into their lives. Apparently, they're going to pay folks to log into Kazaa and other shareware programs to identify the users who are sharing the greatest number